13 Life Lessons I Learned from My Two-chebag

My two-year old is wise beyond her years. She has almost perfected her grasp of sarcasm, and I think we are on the brink of a beautiful eyeroll.

I am the proud parent (owner? manufacturer?) of what I refer to, with the utmost affection, as my little two-chebag. I adore her, and her feistiness, though some days I could definitely do with a lot less of it. She is a happy little thing; pretty well-behaved (all things considered) but with more attitude than anyone her age should be allowed to have, and when she is bad she is horrid.

When she wants something, she is in it to win it, and I barely get out alive. I am on to her, though; she has taught me well. I have learned so many lessons over the last 28 months that I don’t even really know how I got this far in life without them.

1. It is completely acceptable to stand in one’s underwear, at the front door, screaming NO! at the top of your lungs in response to being asked if one is hungry. Previously, I had been under the impression that this sort of thing might be seen as over-the-top, but no. Completely rational.

2. Throwing everything is cool. Diapers, sippy cups, toddler princess chairs, broccoli – nothing is off limits.

3. Dirty diapers are the new black. My hip, chic two-chebag likes to wear hers until they stylishly sag to her ankles, and then spins like an alligator in the throes of a death roll to thwart attempts to change her. I bet you wish your toddler was this fashion forward.

4. Taste buds change daily. I had no idea that what was begged for one day became toxic poison the next. I am so glad I know this, now I never have to make the same meal twice. EVER.

5. Slamming your own body to the ground is a great way to relieve stress.Apparently, this one is supposed to guarantee good behavior if you give in to what they want, but this is absolutely not the case.

6. If food is dumped from a plate, it signals to the wait staff that the meal is over.Forget discreetly asking for the check next time I am in a fancy restaurant (and by fancy restaurant I probably mean the mall food court); on the floor it goes.

7. “Actually, Mommy…” is the new flip-off. When I started this lesson, I was unprepared for her DefCon levels of argument preparation. I quickly learned tonegotiate with her.

8. It is impossible to hold someone in the air over a grocery cart seat while they scream and go full noodle.Who knew??

9. Being out of what they want is not an acceptable reason for not giving it to them. As parents, it is our job to keep everything stocked all of the time. Period.

10. Eating food off the floor is underrated. Especially while at the food-on-the-floor emporium, the grocery store.

11. Patience is overrated. Coupled with counting to ten and copious amounts of alcohol, it is actually a pretty useful tool, but try waiting out a tired toddler without vodka. I dare you.

12. Singing like a very idiot in the grocery store is pretty damn fun. Every time, loudly, all of the wrong words to every song in Frozen.

13. Requesting snuggles at the most inconvenient times will absolutely delay any tasks at hand. I promise.

I think my training is going well; at the very least, I think I am passing; when she finishes rolling her two-nager eyes at me, I’ll ask her.

What life lessons have you learned from your tiny tyrant?