Winning for Nothing: Are We Raising Entitled Kids?
There was a storm of sorts in the NFL/parenting world this week when the Pittsburgh Steelers’ James Harrison returned trophies his two sons had received for participation.
There was uproar on both sides of the fence: parents speaking out against him for doing it, and parents speaking out against the parents speaking out against him. I know, right?
In the world I grew up in, we received trophies, badges, and a myriad of other accolades for accomplishing something or for being the best at something. My accomplices and I were respectful (mostly…we did eventually turn 13, after all) of the police, our parents, and afraid of punishment in general, and that fear kept the majority of us out of prison and shaped us into law-abiding adults with a healthy sense of hard-won accomplishment.
Today’s standard of handing out the same accolades to our kids for little to no effort at all is not doing our children, or our future society, any favors.
I understand the intentions that introduced the concept of giving everyone a trophy, but when did we get into the business of keeping kids sense of self elevated at the cost of learning life lessons?
I recently read somewhere that telling a child “Good job!” for completing a small, simple task teaches them they can get a reward for little effort. The article went on to say that we should be telling them, upon successful completion of said task “Wow, you tried really hard at that!”
I cannot believe how ridiculous this is getting. So, let me see if I have those two mixed messages straight:
Reward children for everything, always, so they don’t get sad for not winning, but don’t tell him he did a good job because then he’ll realize he can get rewarded for minimal effort.
Sorry (absolutely not sorry)! I praise my daughter for all tasks large and small. If she can’t complete something herself and needs my help, THEN I tell her that she tried really hard and asking for help is a great thing to do; to tell her she “tried really hard” when she has successfully completed a task is to minimize the completion of said task.
Society spends so much time making sure kids feel included and valued and good about themselves-none of which is bad-that we are forgetting the lessons that come out of feeling excluded (compassion for others), devalued (learning to find our own value within ourselves) and feeling bad about ourselves (fighting back against impossible standards).
What about letting them lose, letting them feel the loss by not receiving a reward for losing, and THEN telling them it was a good effort, but working hard next time will get better results??
And (this is even way further off the charts) rewarding kids who worked hard and accomplished something, so that they feel their efforts pay off, thus teaching them that hard work gets the winning result they desire?
Of course we want our children to feel wonderful all the time, but the reality is that they will lose, they will feel devalued, and they will feel bad. There is no amount of hovering as a parent that will stop that, and believe me, no would want to more than me. The world is not an easy place to live in, and raising our kids with an aggrandized sense of self is not the way to make it better.
If we take away the chances to feel and experience failures, we are robbing our children of the experience and wisdom that will come from overcoming them.
I absolutely do not intend to exclude children from being rewarded for participating, especially if even participating is a feat unto itself; for a lot of special needs kids, this is exactly the case. But should they be shielded from these life lessons? Special needs or no, if we spend time teaching our kids how to bounce back from a loss or a downturn, we are giving them necessary tools to live in the real world.
I want my daughter’s childhood to prepare her for all the downs of life too, not just the ups. Losing a game and not getting any points is not going to ruin her, it will teach her that trying harder next time will get her closer to her goals.
Look around the world right now. We as a society are raising kids without respect for authority and hard work, and with a sense of entitlement because of the life lessons we are taking away.
Do I want my kid to feel bad? No. Do I want her to learn to be a better person for it if she does feel bad? YES.
Do I want everyone to feel wonderful all the time? Yes. Is that reality? NO.
I totally agree with you. I wonder how these darlings will manage when they get older and they face the reality of being turned down for the job, not making the varsity team and not getting into the college of their choice. Far better for them to learn how to deal with failure now rather than being ill equipped to do so in the future.
While I totally agree with you about the tendency now to protect children from ever feeling like they didn’t “win” (losing is important, too, and there is so much to learn from NOT winning), can I add something from an Early Childhood Educator’s perspective?
The reason that you hear “Don’t say good job” so often stems from the recognition that handing out praise without actually giving any feedback or reasoning is that it tends to send the message to children that a) you’re not really paying attention to what it is they’re doing, nor are you giving them feedback about what it is you admire (much like when you ask for engagement and you get comments like “Good article”) and b) it builds on the idea that what another person thinks of your work is more important than you feeling pride and satisfaction for what you do. That being said, I still tell my daughter “good job” all the time. I’m trying to be mindful to be more specific about her accomplishments (I.e. Instead of saying “good job” saying something more descriptive like “Wow! I really like all the colours you used! What’s your favourite part?”), but the reality is she is my world and I also believe children should know that their parents adore them no matter what, and will always root for them.
So, there’s my mind dump on that. Lol. Great points to raise, Jen! Good job! (Haha I had to.)
I am always a fan of your mind dumps Hannah, and I agree with everything you have said! I make a point to (mostly, because honestly, who can listen attentively to a 3-year-old nonstop) tell my daughter why I think what she did is good, so it’s not empty encouragement, like you mentioned. I just get so sick of the reports in the news these days of entitled kids being shielded by parents who never let them lose! /rant.
I completely agree!!! This age of entitlement is incredibly unnerving for me, how will kids find a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment without having to work hard for things? A trophy for everyone takes the joy away from the person who worked hard and earned the trophy! I agree that we have a responsibility to prepare our kids, not keep them in a bubble.