Dear Internet: It’s Not Me, It’s You

I used to love the internet. You know, before my baby – when I could look at cat videos, peruse useless websites for rabbitholes on end….sigh. We had such a good thing going, me and the Internet. It was a mutually supportive relationship, and I bathed in the glory of my excessive and procrastinatory hours spent doing “research”.

Shortly into my maternity leave, the Internet turned on me. Sure, it was still a useful tool to search for information, provided you were looking for ways to imagine your baby had an incurable disease, and/or diagnose that headache as an embolism. All of a sudden, the Internet’s sole purpose was to make me feel like the worst mother in the world. I always believed the Internet loved me back, until I saw the relationship for what it really was, and all the ways the Internet was killing “Us”.

Pinterest. I could end this post right now with that one word. You know what I mean.

Bento Boxes. Separate all the lunch ingredients….wait, there should be more than one ingredient?!? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

“Time-saving” Meals. No, they are not. Kraft Dinner is a time-saving meal. So are waffles. Spending 6 hours on a Sunday separating dinner ingredients into ‘convenient baggies’ to toss into my slow -cooker at 4 a.m. is not saving anyone anything.

Repurposing. Actually, that one is kind of cool. Just this morning I had to use my husband’s toothbrush in a pinch to comb my daughter’s hair! All over this one.

“847 Awesome Activities for Kids!” I see we’re back to Pinterest again. I definitely want to do fun and cool things with my kids, but, in my humble opinion, building a 4-storey tree house complete with Martha Stewart throw pillows does not belong on that list.

Mommy Blogs. I know, I know!!!! But I was reading all the WRONG ones. I weeded them out, thankfully, and now have a wicked network of REAL MOM bloggers. You know, the moms who drink and bitch as much as me!

Daddy Blogs. Internet was hiding these from me!!!! Outsmarted it, though, and found a bunch. Suck it, Internet – I am on to you. Hi, Dads!!

Parenting Styles. I never really actually looked that up….I never felt the need to. I was pretty sure I was just going to figure it out as I went, but then I realized I had to pick a style!! Winging it was not allowed!! Oh the humanity.

Wanting to be a Working Mom. I actually had a good friend make me feel less of a person for looking for daycare.  Yes, going back to work sucks on many levels – having to put on clothes is awful. But it also rocks on an equal number of levels – two words: peeing alone, eating ALL my lunch, eating lunch, drinking coffee while it’s hot, speaking to adults, driving alone, and peeing alone. Did I mention peeing alone? Stop making me feel guilty for wanting to pee alone, Internet.

The Internet made me insecure….it isolated me from my friends and tried to browbeat me into buying in to the ‘mommy wars’. It knew I was a rookie mom and tried to exploit me. I thought I was loving with my eyes open, but I see now that I was wrong.

Through the fog of love lost, I am slowly finding my way back to fondness for you, Internet. I have shed my web naivete, and am seeing you through new eyes. Eyes that will never, ever, ever, have time to plan the perfect playdate or to make little people out of vegetables.

Wait, is that how you get kids to eat them?? I’ll Google it.