I am a Terrible Mother
My daughter is relatively well-behaved; relatively, because she is two.
She has started hitting and making moves to bite lately, mostly when she is not getting her way or when she is over-tired.
I have read #alltheadvice on how to rectify this, but it can be a wee bit difficult redirecting her when I am in the middle of a diaper change and she decides she no longer wants to participate and kicks me in the face.
I try talking to her gently, and telling her I understand she is upset, but no, we cannot go run outside right now because it’s 7 pm, you have been up since 6 am and refused to nap for longer than an hour. All during my soothing talk, she is screaming louder. And my patience is wearing thin.
All of these outbursts mostly only happen when she is over-tired. When they do happen in other situations i.e. just not getting what she wants, redirection works.
Don’t let her get over-tired, you say? Damn, why didn’t I think of that??
I finally lost my patience with her tonight as I was sitting on the floor beside her bed, picking up the book she just threw at me that she had two seconds before asked me to read.
After an hour and a half of being smacked and having things thrown at me, and trying to redirect her/talk to her/read to her/soothe her, I lost it. I sat there beside her bed and started crying. I had nothing left to give her; at that moment, I was empty.
I am failing at showing her how to cope with her emotions. My childhood examples of emotional health were not the most healthy, so it took me many years to learn to cope with mine honestly.
Now I have this bright, feisty, independent little girl who feels everything in a big way, and I have no idea how to help her.
I am feeling so lost and terrible and empty right now. And defeated…so defeated.
Tomorrow is another day….tomorrow is another day….tomorrow is another day.
You’re not alone. I used to put my son in his crib and go in the bathroom and scream into a pillow. I suffer from anxiety disorder and so does my son who’s now 13. I feel like a failure sometimes but then i think of the fact that at 13 i used to punch walls and trees until my knuckles bled because i didn’t know how to deal. My son has never done that because as he got older i was able to show him coping mechanisms i had learned. They say your a good parent if you improve your child’s life 50% more than your own. Seems to me you’ve done that just by admitting your frustration. Your doing a great job and tomorrow is another day 🙂
I feel so shitty. I know it all comes down to me and my reactions, because we are their only examples…
Thank you for your words and encouragement. It does mean a lot to know I am not alone. XO
Oh, mama, this is my thought and it was one of THE hardest things I had to learn when mothering a wee one. When they are overly tired as you say she is when this happens, NOTHING and I do mean nothing is going to soothe her. They just get so damn tired they don’t even know what they want, much less what they are doing. Put her in her bed and leave her to cry herself to sleep. Yes, I know that sounds so cruel, harsh and heartless but honestly, it’s the only cure – for both of you. Sometimes, my son would climb out of bed and try to open his door. I will probably have the mommy police over here to arrest me for past transgressions but I held the door shut, just for a minute or so (I would never leave him in there any longer than that) but honestly, after a minute of just wearing himself out, he just surrendered and once it was quiet, I stood there another minute or so and had to open the door very slowly because he was sound asleep on the floor. I would pick him up and just hold him in my arms, the heavy, sleepy weight of him and tell him quietly that I loved him. I’d place him in his bed and when he woke up, he was happy as a clam and I had had time to just unwind. After just two times of using this method, he realized that getting out of bed and trying to get out wasn’t an option so he just stayed in bed, sometimes cried for a few minutes but learned it was ok just to go the f*ck to sleep (Hahaha, have you heard that read by Samuel L. Jackson?) Anyway, each mama finds their own way but sometimes they just have to sleep and moms need to have a break. If there’s one thing I know for sure, you are a wonderful, loving and caring mama!! Uh-oh, someone is knocking at my door!! Who called the mommy police?? Fess up!
Goodness help my children. Yesterday when I was being impatient with my 4yo daughter for the 50th time that day, she said, “Being a mom isn’t fun. It’s hard work, I know.” Her words stopped me in my tracks (until the next time I grew impatient). Yikes, that’s what she sees in me—I never said it…she came up with it on her own. We’re all doing our best, and it sounds to me like you’ve been outrageously patient. Hang in there!
Wow. This brings back memories. I remember a day so vividly when my 3 month old (who had decided on his own that naps were for sissies) cried for an entire two hours in his playpen. I sat out of sight in the same room with a glass of wine and a box of tissues. By the next week we were down to 20 minutes of cry and 1.5 hours of playing on his own quietly. It took a month, but I finally got him to nap and stopped drinking wine and crying during the day. Don’t beat yourself up. We have all been there. One day at a time.
I remember those days so well. One of my girls was particularly trying. I found that putting her in her crib or playpen worked for me, or even in her room…not because I always thought that she got it, but at least I didn’t lose it as much. We have all been there though…hang in there! And trust me, this does not make you a terrible mother. Your kid is loved, and fed and clothed and cared for….all of those things make you fantastic!
Your daughter and my daughter are so similar, not just in age, but personality. They act like little beings from a different culture sometimes. I am going to a discipline workshop in a couple weeks and the facilitator shared with me that their emotional reactions may not be about us. It may be that they themselves are searching and are looking for guidance. I wish I could remember her exact words but it really opened my eyes to seeing her bad behavior in a different way. At the group that I go to, she redirects my daughter’s behavior and when I asked her why it works when she does it, she says it’s helpful to have an “auntie” or another relative that steps in. Traditionally, it was a family/village that raised a child, so when a child didn’t listen to their parent, another person stepped in. Too bad we don’t have that in our society today. 🙁
If you’re hard on yourself, it will be more challenging to be a good mother. I’ve been there. You’ll be carrying more weight and what good does that do? We’re all human. Your energy would be better spent finding solutions to the dilemma that do work. I think part of the reason children don’t remember much before a certain age is because it gives parents more time to get it right.
The facilitator I go to is part of the Simplicity Parenting movement. (There is a book by the same name. ) I don’t know if there is a chapter in your town, but I’ve gone to a few parent-tot playgroups based on this model and they have been a wonderful opportunity to learn about parenting and finding solutions to dilemmas.
I hope you don’t think of yourself as a terrible momma. You are a momma that put up with an hour and a half of challenging behavior. When I think of what my family would have done to me if I did that, you are a great momma by comparison!