Look no further, friends.
The Mommies Drink 2015 Holiday Gift Guide is here.
I know how hard it is to shop for the loved ones who seem to have everything. Instead of not buying them anything at all, I have put together this list of must-have items just for you. Why, you ask? Because, dear reader, I am here for YOU.
The Drop-n-Mop 8000
These days, it seems so hard to be able to juggle all of life’s demands: parenting, working, cleaning, etc. This little gem not only takes care of two of these demands for you, but also provides hours of entertainment for you and your loved ones while you sit back and enjoy those holidays cocktail recipes you got from Pinterest.
I am going to go one further, my friend, and tell you to just go ahead and throw some floor wax on that bad boy. I am all about killing more birds with less stones, and if I can help make your life easier, then that is exactly what I will do.
I don’t know how women in the 1990’s did it, honestly. Moms today need all the help they can get, and with this handy leg restraint, you can change your toddler safe in the knowledge that he will only be able to hammer his pointy little heels into your breasts, missing your face entirely.
Not only is this a surefire way to make sure that your heart will be restarted quickly in the event that you have a heart attack mid-change, but I am pretty sure the pounding your chest will take will double as a soothing massage you can’t get in any parlour.
Complimentary nipple cream and ice packs provided on orders of 12 or more.
The Over-The-Shoulder Fun Pack
Speaking of Pinterest cocktail recipes!!! Never be without a drink again, ladies. This state-of-the-art over-the-shoulder party holder is the must have of 2015 for alcoholics on the go. Don’t leave home without it, and you are practically guaranteed invitations to every holiday event held in your neighborhood for years to come.
Extra attachments are not available. If sharing is a must – and we know it is – this model comes with vodka-flavored nozzle sanitizer (we kid; it’s actually vodka).
The Hannibal Lector Lipstick Application Assistant
If you are anything like me, you struggle with the simplest of tasks. Finding the outline of my lips in order to properly apply lipstick has been the bane of my existence for 30 years, and I know you have struggled too.
Worry no more, ladies (and gents!). You no longer need to actually locate your lips or even look in a mirror! The Hannibal Lector Lipstick Application Assistant takes all the stress and guesswork out of applying your lipstick.
Free shipping on orders that include lotion in baskets.
The incomparable quality of this product will astound anyone who appreciates the finer things in life.
Still washing your hands after using the restroom? Plebe. Wearing gloves in winter? Hipster.
Never again worry about sanitization. Handerpants has you covered!
Crouching Turkey, Hidden Student
We know how hard it can be to catch your zz’s in the library these days. This pillow/head and hand cozy makes sure you are able to drown out the noise made by those pesky bookworms by providing you a dark and womby place to lay your head.
The Porn-o-Matic 1200o
The older and dirtier brother to the Crouching Turkey, Hidden Student, the Porn-o-Matic 12000 is the latest and greatest in “hiding your fetish” technology to hit the market since…well, since Youtube.
Hide no more, pervs! Watch your porn in peace, at home, on the train, or even at work! Take it with you to Mass, no one will know what you are up to!
Go confidently and with style, porn watcher!
A book of excuses for wearing the Porn-o-Matic 12000 included.
There you have it, folks!!! The final say in gifts for that hard-to-buy-for person on your list. Never again find yourselves wandering the stores looking for inspiration.
Now, where are my Handerpants?